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Current Music:Prelude on Three Welsh Hymn Tunes - Ralph Vaughan Williams
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Subject:How long has it been?
Time:05:46 pm
Sometimes I almost feel like I'm over it. Immersing myself in the Alternative, I keep myself happy most of the time. It's so similar in some ways, yet very different in others. Sometimes though, I see a performance or hear a recording, and it makes me remember what it was like. And I long for what I had, what I lost, and what should have been.

I'd be going to rehearsal tonight... if...

I miss you, Keith who plays tuba.

At this point, I think one of my greatest regrets is that I didn't play in more brass ensembles. Weaving immersive tapestries of sound...
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Subject:I seem to like bulleted lists...
Time:10:55 pm
Don't really have much to say. Don't really remember the last time I posted.

Highlights... (from the past two months or so):
  • Job. It's pretty good. Paychecks are nice.
  • Went to a bunch of concerts. AUO, EWSB, Kiltie. Allegheny Brass Band. Chatham Baroque, Apollo's Fire. Music is wonderful. I still miss being on the other side. I think it's starting to get better. At least I hope so.
  • Computer Club Cabal. I think I'm spending more time socializing at my old house than when I lived there. It is really nice still being Pittsburgh, and still being able to spend time with friends I've had for a while. Although, on the other hand, perhaps it's getting in my way, causing me to not meet as many new people. Me and my introverted cave...
  • Enjoyed going to VA for Thanksgiving. Love my family, and the escapism of being "home." Looking forward to Christmas, which is coming up really soon.
  • Played online games with people one night. That was fun, although don't seem to be doing it quite as much as we used to. (Now that I'm much less busy.)
  • Had to deal with some loose ends related to my paper. Kind of annoying, but meh... Hopefully won't need to worry about it too much more. And then, after I go to the conference, I'm completely free.
I still have that partially-written epic tuba post. I guess the problem with that, is that I prefer not to dwell on it too much. Brooding isn't particularly constructive. Easier to close your eyes and ride the roller coaster, than to dwell on every twist and turn, yes?

--Keith
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Current Music:Symphony No. 3 "Eroica": I. Allegro con brio - Ludwig van Beethoven
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Subject:Tick Tock Tick...
Time:10:44 pm
I should spend more time doing things, and less time brooding. Oh, so much brooding.
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Subject:Meta-Entry
Time:12:00 am
I've been thinking I should write an entry about what's been going on the past three or four months. Craziness. It was a whirlwind.

This isn't it. Maybe it will come soon. As I've mentioned, I don't actually like writing very much, and, as a result, haven't really been motivated to write a lengthy LiveJournal post. But I think should. Mostly because it scares me how much I forget.

Here's an outline:
  • Work, work, stress, work, panic
  • Successful thesis defense
  • Work, work, work
  • Completed thesis
  • Virginia, for not very long
  • Demo night!
  • Started working at NetApp
  • The real world?
I hope everybody's doing well.


--Keith
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Current Music:Appalachian Spring - Aaron Copland
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Subject:Entries Need Subjects
Time:02:14 pm
Sometimes I really wish I could have my life back.

School: Omnomnomnom!
Keith: Awww...
School: =P
Keith: *looks dejected*
School: Haha!

I just need to "beat the final boss." Then I'm done with this silly game called graduate school. Two and a half weeks...
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Current Music:Symphony No. 2 in D minor - Johannes Brahms
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Subject:On the Cusp...
Time:12:56 am
At this point, I am so ready to move on with my life. It's not entirely clear when exactly I'm going to be done. But it's going to be at most three weeks. I wish they'd hurry up and pass. And that my thesis would finish writing itself. I've had enough.

I really, really hope most of the strange issues I've been having are just stress taking its toll on me. So I'll be better once I escape. That I'll be able to constructively work at overcoming my suspected embouchure dystonia playing tuba. That my hands and arms stop shaking. That I'll be able to pick up an oboe or clarinet without my thumb convulsing. That I'll find some peace of mind.


I've really missed band. This Monday was the first rehearsal after six weeks of concerts (it was fun watching three of them, but I would've rather been playing in them). I definitely felt a pang of sorrow when I didn't drive out to Forest Hills last night. Band, and playing music in general, was always a sort of solace for me. Loosing that solace, I believe, is one the big reasons why I'm coming so much more unglued than I normally would.


This week, I'm going to be actively searching for a place to live come September. Because I can't put it off any longer. I also intend to start making some token efforts at putting things in boxes.
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Current Music:Wish You Were Here - Pink Floyd
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Subject:Twilight Calm
Time:11:53 pm
When I left my house at about 6:00pm today, to go get dinner with friends, I discovered that it was actually a very nice day. I'd been chugging along, with my typical, slowly work away at something I don't really want to do approach, with occasional distractions.

Walking home from dinner, I kept thinking about how I should be enjoying days like this more.

My hope is that pretty soon, I'll find more peace of mind, and get more joy out of simple things like a nice day. Even better, I'm sure, would be sharing that joy with somebody special.


I also thought about how it would've been a wonderful night to be playing an outdoor band concert...

Hopefully I'll be able to get that back eventually. The meeting two weeks ago definitely gave me more hope. I tried some exercises, saw the point, and what I should be doing/thinking, and playing felt a bit more right, a bit less wrong. But I also concluded that I'd need more patience, and need to be more relaxed than I am right now. Currently, my plan is to get this master's thesis thing behind me. Presumably, after that, I'll be a lot less stressed out, and better able to face my tuba-demons.
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Current Music:Russian Easter Festival Overture - Nikolai Rimsky-Korsakov
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Subject:Nine, Oh-Nine
Time:01:15 am
What do you do when you can't do what you love?

I kind of wonder if the last month or so will look less hellish when I look back on it later.

What's happened? I've...
  • Been missing a huge part of my life
  • Felt lost, and unsure about where my work needed to go
  • Panicked, seeing that "a long time" had turned into a little over a month
  • Questioned my mental health
  • Had a bad argument with my adviser
  • Stayed up until stupid-early o'clock in the morning talking to a friend
  • Seen a psychologist
  • Resolved the situation with my adviser, perhaps not completely, but hopefully well enough
  • Been to a couple band concerts
  • Had to explain why I was in the audience at said band concerts
  • Been a work-aholic
  • Felt like the world was out to get me, given the frequency of "silly" problems I was encountering
  • Questioned my physical health
  • Wondered if my research is just an exercise in futility
So things haven't really been going that well. I'm getting by though... I have awesome friends, and a very supportive family—and that helps a good deal.

One good thing, is that I should be done with school pretty soon. Not as soon as I'd originally hoped, but still pretty soon. Given how much of a disaster last week was, and that I felt I was working pretty slowly this week, I'm targeting the end of August now, rather than the middle of the month. One needs to be realistic... although I'd really been hoping for more downtime before starting my job.

My hope is that having a real job will be much less stressful. I don't really feel like I can really handle stress very well anymore.

I should probably go to bed. Good night. Maybe there will be more later...
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Subject:Subjects are a Challenge
Time:11:16 am
Now, time for some less gloomy news. I have two awesome job offers to choose between. Now I just need to decide... And then finish my Master's.
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Current Music:Overture to Tannhauser - Richard Wagner
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Subject:Dystonia
Time:01:54 am
A long, long time ago...
I can still rememeber

How that music used to make me smile.



I guess it's time for me to explain myself. What my last post was about. Why I may seem somewhat out of it.

To make things easier, I'm just going to post an email I wrote earlier today. Going over this once was hard enough. It took me about five hours to write, and I felt like I was either actually or on the verge of shaking uncontrollably throughout the process.



The email...Collapse )



Right now I don't think I can say very much more. Other (mostly good) things have happened, but this issue has probably been the foremost thing concerning me recently.

One of the things I always thought was wonderful about my passion for music and playing tuba was that I believed it would last forever. But now it doesn't seem like that's necessarily the case. And that thought's haunting me.
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[icon] Keith's Journal
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